Monday, January 23, 2012

Why is doing nothing so stressfull??

    I don't know if everybody is like this, maybe it's just me. But when I sit around doing nothing, I feel intensely stressed out inside. Perhaps it's because I feel like I should be doing something. Perhaps it's a bit of A.D.D in me. Perhaps it's because I have all this time on my hands to think. And to think. And to think.
    I actually started this blog writing a comment on Nina's blog (so this is basically for you girl) Then I realized my comment was becoming laughably long verging on ridiculousness, so I decided to just blog it instead.
    We all know that sometimes our lives don't go as planned. We all have had that moment when we stop and look around and think "Wow. This is my life?" That could be a good thing for some. But for others it's a boo-hoo moment. I've had many of these moment's in my life. My 16th birthday, I was certain was going to be my last. Going through my mind at that time "I'm going to die on my birthday? This is not happening." Then at 18 years and 10 months of age"You mean I'm pregnant? This is not happening" Then at 21 "My son's father is truly psychotic, and I have to leave. This is not happening." Then again a couple years ago I had a devastating couple months when Chris and I broke up and I kept telling myself "This is not happening" But guess what? It all happened. And I survived, and have almost arrived at my 27th birthday all in one piece. (Haha. . made me think of that Charmin commercial, when the bear runs around with toilet paper stuck to his bum, saying "I come in pieces") And to boot, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Looking back, not one (well except for my 16th birthday) of those situations would I ever change in a million years.  All those times I thought my life was ending (figuratively and literally) my life actually changed for the better. Life is never perfect, and never goes the way we want it to. It has a mind of it's own, and it goes the way it's supposed to go.

I like the positive note of Miss Virginia's most recent late night blog.  It's so easy to get swallowed in by negative emotions when things don't go our way. . .  And people saying things like "everything happens for a reason" doesn't always make everything all better.

So this is to Nina (and others who aren't in the place they want to be)
First of all, the best thing to do is EXACTLY what you're doing here- think of what is great and wonderful in our lives.

 Ten Reasons to LOVE your life

1. You are a very beautiful, YOUNG lady.
2. You don't get beat daily.
3. You aren't addicted to drugs, and don't have meth mouth.
4. You have a roof over your head.
5. You have a sister who occasionally makes you food and brings it to your room
6.You have all your bodily functions.
7.You have a degree. Even if all you get from it is self-respect, pat your back.
8. You have a big supportive family, and parents that are alive and well.
9. You have nothing tying you down to any one place, so you could work a mundane job to save a few thousand dollars, pack up and move to Calamazoo if you felt the urge.
10. You could do whatever you please, my dear. In fact, you can still be a millionaire by the time your are 40, if that's your fancy.
So grab your wonderful life by the horns and ride it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Invisible kids

           Anybody who has ever had a child understands the unsurpassable love that you have for your child. Not much else in the world compares, and that love prevails through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is so much easier to get hurt yourself than to watch a child get hurt. When you feel your child is hurting, this "mamma bear" instinct kicks in and you would do just about anything to make your little one feel better.
        So, a few days ago, when we were all sitting around just hanging out, Tucker says out of the blue
"Mom, you know what happened at Friday Fun Day today?" I ask him what, expecting something exciting to live up to the name. "I felt invisible" he says."Nobody wanted to play with me. Nobody even looked at me." Now, this may sound like normal childhood woes to everybody else, but to this mom it was like hearing your pet died. Honestly, even while writing this, my eyes are welling up with tears. I asked him what he ended up doing and he said "Nothing. I just sat by myself" Of course, I said all the motherly things. "Oh honey, you're not invisible. If nobody wants to play, than just find something fun to do by yourself. If you're having fun, that's all that matters"  Uncle Philip then told him the stories of his childhood at Mark Twain, when he was bullied and made fun of, and how Auntie JoAnna beat up his bully one time.
      However, picturing my little boy sitting all by himself, sad and lonely, in the midst of what was supposed to be their Friday fun reward, made me so insanely sad, I literally wept the entire night. It was verging on ridiculous, to be honest. I sat there and every five minutes, tears would start streaming down my face. About 4 hours later, Chris looked at me closely and said "Honey?!! What's wrong? Are you crying?? (obviously, being a guy, Chris had probably already forgotten the conversation hours earlier) Tucker piped up "She just sad because I felt invisible" very matter of factly. He gets it.  He knows him mom is slightly neurotic, and very protective.
        Truth of the matter is, as parents we blame ourselves. So running through my mind was, "Am I making him feel invisible??"  Since being pregnant and having Ryker, I have tried very hard to make sure that Tucker hasn't felt left out. But pregnancy and an infant is very demanding. During my pregnancy, he was lucky if I left the toilet long enough to wake him up in the morning. And now, I have a breastfeeding baby that demands a great deal of my time. Plus, with everybody around us doting on the little baby, poor Tuck has been pushed to the back burner. After all, holding a 63lb, 7 year old isn't quite as easy as snuggling a 15lb, almost 3 month old.
     Kid's are so resilient, I'm sure this has affected me more than him. I know I have many years in store of this. There are many times to come, when he will come home sad because somebody was mean to him at school. Someday, there will be a girl who will break his little heart. And along with every little heartbreak he experiences, mine will break right there with his.  I can't protect him from all the hurt in the world, but  what I can do is make sure that he never feels invisible here.